"Why do you play French Horn?"
When my teacher asked me this in my lesson, I told her because I like to create music and I love the sound of the horn. She told me this wasn't good enough. It isn't.
I've played horn for seven years now. Think about that, if a soccer player just liked to kick a ball around and loved the sounds of a crowd, would he stick with soccer for seven years? I don't think so. These are pluses, but he's got to like the thrill of running around a field, fighting against an opposing team, controlling a little rolling thing...you get the idea.
Let's start at the beginning, to see how I got here, and maybe learn something along the way...
I started playing Horn in 6th grade. In 5th grade, they came to each class and passed around a sign-up sheet for those who wanted to join band. When it got to me, I picked Horn for three reasons:
1. It sounded like an interesting instrument.
2. My dad played it in High School.
3. It was challenging. You had to get the director's permission to play it. I like challenges.
These reasons lasted about a month. Sure, it was a challenge and an interesting instrument, but it didn't feel like much of a challenge for me: it came almost naturally, like math. And it really didn't matter that my dad had played it, that had only caught my attention. So I had to have new reasons to keep playing the Horn.
My second reason for playing was that I couldn't quit before getting one year into it. I also liked learning, and I learned that whole first year. I loved the people in our small band in sixth grade, and band was the only time I talked to them. I think a major part was that I didn't want to let anyone down by quitting (I was the only Horn).
Those reasons only hold up for 6th grade, however, because in 7th grade, I went to Junior High School and joined the 7th grade band. I was one of 6 horns, in a band that was at least five times bigger than the one I had just recently left. My band friends became my all-the-time friends, and we had a blast. No one would be severely let down if I quit, since I was one of six Horns sitting on the third row. All of my previous reasons once again became obsolete. I found myself, yet again, changing my reasons for playing, and not even realizing it.
I feel like 8th grade is the time when my current reasons started forming. Unfortunately, I didn't keep a journal back then, so I really don't know what I thought or way I stayed in band. Part of it was the friends I had there. As humans, we are social, and band was how I could be social really easily. I also really liked my band directors. In 8th grade, we had three directors, two of which dealt directly with me. They were great people and really funny. In high school, we had one of the best directors in the state (in our opinion). He was so dedicated to us. He made us work hard, harder than we thought we could, but it paid off when we received superiors at competitions. He was so funny, as well, though his sense of humor was subtle. My band directors have helped keep me in band. But this isn't the only reason; it can't be, because Senior year, our band director changed, and I didn't like some of the stuff he did. The Spirit of the band changed, and all of Senior year, I wanted out. But I didn't leave.
As I was thinking about this questions during the week between my lessons, and in the months since then, I have decided that my reasons are so well-hid that not even I can find them. It's like I drew a map of where I hid them, then lost it. I have figured out a few reasons why I play, though. Here they are:
1. I love music because it speaks directly to my soul. I feel the Spirit when I here good music. So, I play Horn to immerse myself in it.
2. Camaraderie. I know it may sound shallow, but I enjoy working with other musicians. They are very much like me, and so I get along with them. My friends are musicians, and that may be because I'm in band, but I think I'm in band partly because that's where the people I befriend are. Since coming to college, I've found a ton of friends, and only after knowing them awhile do I find out that most of them are in band (and at least five play French Horn).
3. The above two reasons are why I play music. Now, why do I play Horn? It started as a fling, where it sounded interesting. But the reason I stuck with Horn is this: it felt right. I played trumpet for a semester and I have tried to teach myself the flute. Neither of those stuck with me because they didn't feel right. Horn is what stayed because I am supposed to be playing it. I don't know why yet, but I know one day I will find out the higher purpose, even if it's just to bring me joy.
4. Which leads me to the fourth reason I play Horn: joy. I am happy when I'm playing Horn, even if I'm in pain or I'm frustrated, or bored. I love playing the Horn, creating something out of nothing. I told a friend awhile ago that I couldn't think of a blog title because I couldn't make something out of nothing. This may be true in writing sometimes, but it is never true when I'm playing my Horn. Just playing an F is creating beauty where nothing was a second ago.
While I may not know why I play French Horn, or the plan that God has for my life using it, the important thing is that I'm doing what I feel is right. So far, on my journey, I have picked up friends, sheet music, bruises on muscles I didn't know could get bruised, muscles I didn't even know I had, and an ability to recognize the Spirit as I play. I hope to gain more and more of these precious experiences, those moments when I touch another's soul in a way you can only do through music, as I continue to play and travel on the path to Eternity.
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